when I grow up

Today, my school had it's annual Career Day for the 8th grade students. This always precedes the Freshman orientation so that the kiddos can have a better idea of what classes they want to take in high school.
We kicked off the excitement with a keynote speaker, Jeff Crilley, who is a local news personality. He was pretty entertaining and motivating. As I sat there listening to the talk about hopes and dreams, and finding your passion, I felt as though I had missed the mark.
Growing up, I had occassionally flirted with the idea of becoming an obstetrician--how cool would it be to help bring a life into the world??? But that would not be a good job to have in conjunction with a family (and science was never my favorite thing--small detail). My aptitude test told me I was cut out to be a lawyer. Again, I deemed it too demanding. It hit me that I pretty much based my career choice on an assumption that my life would look differently at this juncture. That life would bear a striking resemblance to the one that my mom had led: Graduate college, get married, teach a year, get pregnant, take a break from teaching, have another baby, stay home some more, and then go back to teaching when the kids are both in school. In my eyes, this was the dream. And when I look at where I currently am, I feel very awake.

My life is different. That is not entirely bad. I've had the opportunity to do quite a few things that my mom never got to do in her twenties. But I am getting a place where I feel that the shelf-life of my dream is expiring and I need to find something else. The reality is that I am living a life that I didn't quite expect. And perhaps the hardest part of all of this is that it's not "okay" to struggle. Any hint of discontentment is frowned upon and met with some trite response of how this time is a "gift". Well, the truth is that it is hard at times and I think that it's okay. It is especially hard because the whole situation is out of our control. There is no degree-plan to getting the only job I've ever really wanted.

I guess I still have some growing up to do. I need to grow in my understanding that the Lord is worthy of my trust. He is still holy, even when I don't understand his ways. And just like Rita Springer says in this phenomenal song, He is sovereign even when my circumstances don't change. And while life down here may look different than from what I had planned all those years ago, the things that He has in store for my life is not a Plan B. Thank you Jesus for new mercies.